Author: StandingStronger

I need to let this out.

No one tells you what emotional abuse actually does to you on the inside.

It’s the words…. The constant feeling of being attacked, the next minute being blamed… then forgiven, then being apologised to, then loved, then somehow you’re the one feeling guilty again, and it keeps repeating.

Over time, it just eats at you. I thought I was the problem for a long time.

I kept trying to be the good partner, fix the problems, and pick him up when he’s down, trying to be better, just be there. But nothing changed, it was the same pattern over and over again.

Until one day, I just couldn’t get out of bed, it hit me like the flu, and even that didn’t matter to him. I was beyond mentally drained. Crying wasn’t enough, and in a matter of weeks, I became a shadow of myself.

And then the thoughts started, the ones about my own worth. The kind you don’t even recognise as yourself. The thoughts you never thought you’d be the one thinking.

But something shifted. Not in a “everything’s better now” way. Just… I started seeing it. This was his cycle of control, not my self-worth; this was his pattern, not my wrongdoing; this was him, and for the first time, I stopped asking what I was doing wrong.

It wasn’t me.

I’ve been through situations in the past that nearly cost me my life at the hands of my partner… and more recently, I found myself in the same place mentally, and I never thought I’d reach it again. I never thought anything could be worse than that, i never wanted to feel that hurt again, and here I was.

This…this is different, this gets inside your head, this isn’t a bruise that heals over, not something you can cover up or fix in a few weeks. This eats away like sucking out the life of you till your self-esteem and self-worth is barely visible.

The hardest part was realising my only problem was not putting myself first.

It’s funny because it was in that moment that I actually thought there’s still something worth fighting for…. me……

Thank you for this space xx