It shouldn’t feel this hard to just speak. I don’t know when this started feeling like something I had to do. Explaining myself, over explaining why something hurt me, why something made me sad, but here I am overthinking.

Not just what I said…but what I meant. How I meant it. Why I said it in the first place. It’s like nothing can just be said and left there. There always has to be a second layer to it. There always has to be a second or third layer to something to clarify what I meant. There is now second-guessing

Was there something to correct? Something to make sure it doesn’t get taken the wrong way again.

And I don’t think you realise how tiring that is. Because before I even say anything, I’ve already begun learning and thinking about how it might land.

How it could be taken. What part might be misunderstood.

So I adjust it. Change the wording. Take pieces out. But taking pieces out makes my sentences become broken, it doesn’t come out right because mid-sentence I have to pivot to defend why I even started talking in the first place.

And even then…while you watch me struggle, it still turns into something even bigger I have to explain.

And after a while, it makes me question whether it’s even worth saying anything at all.

Not because it doesn’t matter. But because I don’t have the energy to keep unpacking something that felt simple to me in the first place.

I don’t think you see that part. How much thought goes into what I say now. How much I hold back just to keep things from going somewhere else.

How many simple conversations are starting to change me.